Saturday, October 22, 2011

Top 10 Reasons Paranormal Heroes Would Suck in Real Life

Please welcome guest author (and my friend!) KC Burn!

First off, thanks to Katie for including me in her Monster Mash-Up. I’m in the company of so many great authors! I’m KC Burn and I love paranormal romance, both reading and writing it. But, I’m also fully aware that if all those fantastic men of paranormal romance were real and dateable, they’d be a… well… nightmare.

10. A Demon would likely be a *demon* in the sack, but he’d lie ALL the time and it’s guaranteed your mom will hate him. He’d make a good fuck-buddy but a crappy boyfriend.

9. Angels - I’m allergic to feathers. Need I say more?

8. At first, a Genie seems like the ideal man: confined to a small living space, only around when you want him, grants your every wish. But if he’s not aggressively subservient then he’s wildly pissed off about his enforced subservience. Either option sounds like a recipe for couples counseling.

7. I can think of a lot of reasons why a fully functional android might be… uh… useful. *wink* But I bet we’d have a worldwide masculine revolt if someone invented a walking, talking, made-to-order vibrator who could (and would) pick up his own socks and wash the dishes.

6. Then there’s the Fae. Seelie, Unseelie… it’s a political quagmire!

5. Aliens - You do realize any *real* alien we came across would be some nasty, tentacled, slimy mess that needs to eat rotten eggs and cat poop. Valuable for cat box cleaning time, but the odds of wanting to kiss it? A trillion to one (and that’s being generous). Mom wouldn’t be a fan of this one either -- all kinds of awkward at Christmas dinner.

4. Dragon shifters are probably one of the coolest shifter options out there. Highly useful for lighting candles for romantic dinners, and they might even let you borrow some awesome jewelry from their hoard. But then there’s the scorch marks and the sprinkler systems and the sirens… Seriously, just pick up one of the firemen and forget the dragon.

3. Werewolves may be a warm, fuzzy furnace on a cold, winter night, but that’s a lot of fur. I have enough trouble vacuuming up after one cat. And if his need to get furry and howl at the moon coincides with my PMS? That’s a horror story, not a paranormal romance.

2. Zombie romance may be hot right now, but bits falling off in bed is not. Getting crumbs in bed is one thing, but leaving important bits behind is unacceptable.

1. Fangs are fine, but if the guy’s a vampire and his heart doesn’t beat, there’s no blood flow to a very important part of the anatomy… Prepare to be unsatisfied. A lot. Also, blood stains are a bitch to wash out.

Honestly, paranormal romance makes for fabulous fiction. It lets me ignore all those pesky non-romantic details that would make any paranormal paramour complete hell to live with.

My most recent release was Trompe L’oeil, available from Loose Id (http://bit.ly/ofM7rw). I’ve included a short blurb below, but simply put, one hero is trapped in a cursed painting, which wouldn’t be any easier to deal with in real life than the above list of paranormal romance heroes. My cursed painting was fun to write about all the same, and there’s two hot guys for the price of one!

Blurb:

When Maxwell, a Depression-era artist, spurns the attentions of his sponsor, he ends up cursed to live out eternity in a painting. The man who cursed him delighted in playing the exhibitionist for Maxwell, and by the time the old man dies, Maxwell longs for his life and body back but he’s pretty sure he never wants to watch anyone have sex ever again. Until he discovers who his new owner is.

Tyler isn’t sure what to do with a life-sized painting of a nude man, but it was a gift from his sister to ease the pain of a disastrous break up and subsequent coming out. The gorgeous subject of the painting disappeared without a trace decades ago, rumored to have been killed by the painting’s previous owner in a jealous rage.

Becoming more and more fascinated by the man in his painting, Tyler uses his resources as a history professor to solve the mystery of Maxwell’s disappearance. He finds himself spending more time in his bedroom, talking to the painting, researching, and aching to know the man in person. Meanwhile, Maxwell falls under Tyler’s sweet spell, even though the thickness of canvas might be an insurmountable barrier to cross.

10 comments:

Katie Reus said...

Thanks so much for joining me today, KC! As always your post is very entertaining :)

Rae Renzi said...

Very amusing! I had a vision of them all together, trying to be nice as they vied for your attention... Your book sounds fascinating!

KC Burn said...

Katie - thanks so much for having me!
Rae, if I wrote multiple partners, that would be a GREAT plot ;)

Susan Kohler said...

This is an exciting premise for a great book!!!

Marguerite Labbe said...

Awesome post KC and the book sounds wonderful. Can't wait to pick it up.

cmtorrens said...

LOL definitely made me chuckle. The book sounds great too. I'll have to check it out.

booklover0226 said...

Oh, this book is right up my alley. I'm adding it to my must have list.

Thanks
Tracey D

Angela Campbell said...

What a fun post. And so true! lol

Barbara Longley said...

Hah! Very fun blog!

KC Burn said...

Thanks all, for stopping by! And if you pick up my book, I hope you enjoy :)